This Is Getting Ridiculous

Have you ever been so tired that you can't sleep?

Over the last week my mind has completely worn itself out. "Mental fatigue" doesn't even begin to describe it. I don't handle stress well, as some of you have (unfortunately) seen. I'm doing much better now.. but where was this rational thought a week ago? Days ago even.

My situation has taken a heavy toll on myself, and those that I care about. Unnecessary stress for everyone, with much more harm done than good. I've never really been able to figure out where my abandonment/loss issues were coming from.. until last night – between staring at the ceiling and checking my phone constantly just in case I didn't hear it ring – I kind of just swore at myself when I realized it, and said (maybe out-loud, maybe in my head, I don't remember) "$#*( … that was 20 years ago!" So obvious, so simple now. I've let something from my childhood destroy my life and push away, repeatedly, the one thing that really matters to me.

Add on top of that my need to fix everything, and the mess gets even bigger. I mean everything, you're sad – I'll fix it, toaster doesn't work – I'll fix it, coat rack is screwed up – fixed. Normally it's not a problem, but when I'm worried, the feeling to fix things becomes absolutely overwhelming.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I think that if I just took a week off, and completely disappeared, living in a cave eating granola bars with no contact from anyone – things would probably work out much better than anything I could do.

But mostly, I'm just tired. And the tiredness is definitely getting to be ridiculous. And kind of cold.

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