Over four years ago I started a blog. It was on a (now-defunct) service called modblog. Modblog was very community oriented, so almost anything that I posted, no matter how pointless, was usually viewed by many, and commented on by still quite a few.

At one point way back then (probably only a few weeks after I started the blog) I decided that I was done with blogging. I had had enough. So I posted a goodbye post to the modblog readers and friends that I had accumulated. But this one girl, that I didn't even know, she sent me an email that somehow touched deep in my heart. She told me that I couldn't quit, that I had to keep blogging. And ever since that email, I've been blogging for her. Even when she wasn't reading - it was for her. It didn't take me long to fall in love with her.

Things have been difficult between us, we've both made mistakes. We've both pushed away when we shouldn't have. But we always come back. I can't have a real relationship with anyone else, because I've never really wanted anyone else. I've made attempts at being not lonely, but they don't feel right, they don't feel as good as her.

It's a difficult situation. I think the only person that knows it in nearly it's entirety is spudart. For some reason I trust him with that information.. maybe because he's proven trustworthy and supportive.

But right now - part of my life.. well, my whole, if you view things from my perspective, has just gone horribly wrong.

I can't put my time or effort into this blog until things are resolved. As much as I want to keep posting for her, I can't right now - maybe if I were stronger I could, but I can't concentrate on blogging until she comes back. I just hope it's soon.

I find it far too easy to become completely overwhelmed by fear. Difficult situations, well, they're difficult for me to handle and sometimes it takes me a few tries to get my head in a reasonable state to do what needs to be done.

There are some things that are so important, that no matter how difficult they are, or may get.. it's impossible to give up on them. Giving up isn't even an option, and if it were, it wouldn't even be considered.

When you lose something important, it's then that you realize just how much that something meant to you. And even though you already knew that it was special, you see more clearly that there was even more than that. To get another chance is rare, but to get another chance and lose the most important thing in your life again - well, that's just not gonna happen.

lyg

When morning rolls around, I don't think that there's anything that I despise more at that moment than the sun. It's like an alarm clock without a snooze button, and because of it I've been waking up between 5:30-6am every day for the last few days. It also doesn't help that I'm sleeping in an unfamiliar room. I just want to sleep until 7ish - 6:45am would be nice and give me plenty of time to get ready for work.

What I really want is a way to automatically control the amount of sunlight that makes it into my room that early in the morning. There are a few ways I could do this.

The easiest system would be to just completely block my windows and rely on my internal clock and an alarm clock to wake up at the right time. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person that will stare at a clock for an hour if I wake up too early just so I don't get jarred out of my sleep from an alarm. Which brings up the other obvious fault with this - alarms are a horrible way to wake up.

Another way that I've toyed around with in my head is to block out the windows like with the last idea, and create a light system that will go from off to completely on gradually over a given time period. The idea is to create an artificial sunrise on your own schedule, allowing you to wake up more naturally. The problem? Light and sunlight just aren't the same thing, and while it may be easier on the body than a horrible buzzer or radio turning on, the body won't react to it quite like it would to sunlight. Also, who really wants to have their windows covered all the time?

So what does that leave? Computer controlled window blinds. The system would be similar to the artificial sunrise idea, except rather than dimming lights, the system would slowly open the blinds. Besides the coolness of having things move on their own, this could be practical for other applications. For instance, if it were coupled with a couple temperature sensors, all the blinds in your house could close automatically during the hot summer days to prevent your home from getting crazy-hot - saving money and energy on air-conditioning.

It's only 2 days into the week, and it already feels like 42,000.

It's funny how perception can completely change a person's sense of time. If this were any normal week, just another week with nothing exciting, no weekend plans, nothing - it would be Friday already. But, because this weekend is the most exciting and anticipated weekend of my entire life.. it's taking forever to get to it.

It also seems like my distorted perception of time is affecting others. Almost everyone around me seems to be affected by an extraordinary case of the "this-week-is-taking-forever! blahs". Just ask Katie.

I think it's quite possible that when I wake up tomorrow, it will actually be yesterday.

It was a long Saturday - that's for sure..

Getting out
I don't think I actually got up until around 9am, and then ate and did other unproductive stuff until almost 10. Once 10am rolled around though, I worked myself up into a massive "THERE ISN'T ENOUGH TIME!" panic and got more packing done in the next hour and a half than I had in the previous 3 weeks combined.

Katie showed up and we loaded my bed, dresser, and bookshelf into the back of her truck. That was pretty uneventful.

It took 3 more trips on my own, loading my car up until it almost burst, to finish moving all my stuff. "3 trips" is a bit misleading, because 2 of those trips were almost half trash that went into the dumpster here right away.

Getting In
Moving everything into my new apartment had to be the worst part out of all of this. I don't know who invented 3rd floor apartments, but I hate them. It would be great if this building had an elevator. But, no. Of course not.

Besides completely wearing myself out, there (once again) wasn't much out of the ordinary here. There was a girl (maybe 4 or 5 years old) standing in front of my apartment door when me and Katie were bringing stuff up. She started the conversation with "Hi. I don't live in this building." and then proceeded to keep talking, and tried to weasel her way into the apartment to pet the cat - even after being told that she would be bit (not making it up - Oscar does bite.)

I've been in here since Saturday night now, and most of my stuff is still in the living room. I haven't built my bed yet. Good times.

Storage
There was some bigger stuff at my apartment (a couch, huge speakers, pressure washer) that wasn't mine, which all got put into a storage locker. That was messy, but when we were done and about to leave (it was like 11pm at this point) some girl in a car with Wyoming plates pulls up and blocks my car. She wanted directions to Madison, WI. I guess she saw me and my dad from the road… Now, if I were lost and needed directions, I wouldn't pull into a dimly lit storage facility in the middle of nowhere. Poor kid.

Cleaning
Ugh. at this point I was so tempted to just leave and let them take the money out of my security deposit to clean the place. But I didn't - it's cleaner than it was when I moved in.

Anyone that really cares how the move went was probably either there, or heard about it already.. so I'll end this post here.

No can talk. In time-out. Stoopid hoomans. Couch looks better on fire.

More lolcats! Click for the rest of the post.

There's only one thing that I don't like about Starburst jellybeans: buying them. It seems like every time I need another bag they've either been moved somewhere else in the store making them almost impossible to find, or they just don't have a spot on the shelves anymore. It's like an adventure just trying to track them down. I usually just give up at this point, but for some people (one person, really) I'll keep looking til I find the darn things.

Oh, and thanks for all the comments on the last post. Yesterday was a good day.

lyg